I See You

 For over a year the words “I see you” have been echoing in my head whenever I pray. Since COVID there is so much judgement, assumptions, and anger that I feel like people have lost the ability to REALLY see each other. Lately, I have found myself quickly judging others actions as well. I had been praying to be able to see others as God does when I had a small stroke at the beginning of March. I was fortunate that it only affected my left eye leaving it paralyzed. I was still able to take care of myself, but I couldn’t drive and if I had both eyes open at the same time, I had double vision and everything I looked at was either on top of something else or blurry, a lot like looking through water. Images in the water are hard to see clearly, and items you reach for at the bottom of the lake or ocean aren’t always located the first time. I spilled a lot of beverages in the beginning and laughed at the number of times I grabbed at things and missed.

I have an amazing group of friends that took me shopping for food and gave me rides to doctor appointments. At home I wore a pirate like eye-patch, but when I was out, I just closed one eye when I needed to see something. I learned to adjust to the blurry vision, mainly so that I didn’t make others uncomfortable. It’s interesting to me the assumptions that I came across. I can’t tell you how many times men winked at me as I was leaving a restaurant, when I was just trying to make it to the door without running into someone or something.

As an intercessor I am used to praying for others who I don’t know very well. God has always given me insight as to how to pray, so I’m used to walking into a room of people who think of me as a stranger, unaware of how deeply I see them. However, when I lost my full sight all of this disappeared from my mind. I had moments of self-pity and times when I felt trapped unable to safely leave my house alone. There were a few people I asked to pray for me, but until I asked someone in person my memories of who I am as an intercessor and my history with God didn’t come to mind. I never doubted from the moment I lost my sight that God wouldn’t heal me and I know without a doubt that he did not cause my stroke. My experience of walking through storms with God has taught me that there are almost always lessons to be learned. The bible clearly states that God can turn every situation around for His glory. Storms or periods of difficulty are life changing movements. We can get angry and hold onto trauma, building walls that trap us for decades or we can ask God to give us a vision of where we need healing and open ourselves up to see all He would have us see. As people prayed for me, I asked God what He would have me learn. I want to move forward; I don’t ever want to be trapped in pain and anger. I welcome storms for the turning points they offer. If there aren’t any lessons, then by all means heal me right away, but don’t let me miss this opportunity for greater healing, so much more than just my sight.

As my sight slowly improved, so did my vision of who God created me to be. Moving objects like cars, trees, movies, and people were the last things to come back into view. One night I was watching a show and suddenly everything was clear, just like that. As I praised God, he reminded me of being baptized. Under the water, where things are blurry, it can symbolize how we see life without him. When we come up out of the water, there is a sudden clarity and fresh hope. We are fully seen by the one who created us and knows us to the core.